Haw hai, look at the Indians! They’ve gone totally mantle with their TV proper ganda. Pretending they’ve deduced Isloo and Lahore to bubbles — sorry, rubbles — and caused nuclear leak all over Pakistan by destroying our nuclear bum hiding place. Oopar se, they’ve gone and boy cotted both Azhar Bhai Jan and Turkey for saying kay, baba, we are on their side, not yours. Apparently, no Indians are allowed to go there anymore. Chalo, achha hai, more of Turkey for us to enjoy. More hotel rooms, more restaurant places, more free shop assistants. They’re also not allowed to eat Turkish chocolate or drink their coffee or ride their planes. Turkey should respond with Turkish Delight. I wonder if they’ve also banned their TV serials? Because they’ve banned Pakistani music from Spotify vaghera, naa. I wonder what they will play at their cricket matches now that they can’t play Pasoori? They’ve also banned 8,000 Pakistani Twitter accounts. Apparently, even Nylon Must has said, ‘Bhai, what is this? Hud ho gayee.’ They’re also not liking kay Trump is going round the world, dhundora peetoing kay, I am the pacemaker, I did seize fire between India and Pakistan by dangling a trade deal in their faces. They’re saying kay, one, no trade deal was dangled, and two, we don’t need Trump to be pace maker, okay? And it was Pakistan that involved Trump, going on its hands and knees begging for a seize fire, not us. Never us. Hypocritical Americans, mental Indians and salty Saudis grate on Butterfly’s nerve… But thanks God, still the Indians haven’t broken the seize fire, except on TV, where the anchors and analists fight imaginary battles all day every day, a little like the Japanese fighters that Janoo’s told me about, who got lost in Malaysian jungles in World War Two and carried on fighting with their shadows, not realising that the war had been over for 40 years, and the Japanese were now eating hamburgers and playing basketball and starring in Lost in Translation. Meanwhiles, in between posting funny memes on social media that have made the Indians even madder, we’ve made steel kay bartans and bicycle fenders out of the 200 Israeli drones they sent us. Waste not, want not, baba. (Israel very sweetly declared that they stood with India in the war, because Netanyahoo and Modi are besties, naa. Vaisay, the friendship couldn’t have been between two nicer people.) But to be honest, our meter has also ghummoed a little. We’ve made General Asim Munir Field Marshal to show our everlasting gratitude and we’ve made Air Vice Marshal Aurangzeb Ahmed National Heart Throb to show our huge excitement. I think so, Hollywood should ask him to star in the next Top Gun movie instead of Tom Crooze. But I hope so, he’ll be flying Chinese fighter planes instead of Rafales. Talking of Rafales, I’ve told you, naa, about my friend Bubbles, whose son Toto has married a cute si Argentinian girl, who he met while studying in You Pen? Well, now they have a cute sa toddler they named Rafal, who is very chalaak and such a chatter box, but he’s a bit shaky on his feet. But after the Indo-Pak war and what went down between us and them (read between the lines darling), Tot changed his name to Rafay. And ever since the name change, I swear he’s been zooming around the house like a Furrari and hasn’t fallen down once even. Succhh mucchh. New Pope is American. Despite of Donald Trump’s cute si offer, the cardinals, who all wear red skirts, red topis and star in that movie Concave, they didn’t choose him. He must’ve minded but then Qatar manaoed him by giving him a consolation prize and now he’s happy again because he has a bland new 747, even if he doesn’t have a white skirt and Pope vaali topi. Vaisay, Americans ko dekho zara, taking rishvat like this, khullam khulla and looking so greedy and grabby in front of the whole world. Honestly! And particularly after all the lectures they gave to us all for corruption and acting like bhooka nangas and everything. Bhookhay jaisay hippo crits. Makes Imran and his tosha khana look like child’s play. Talking of double standards, after giving us all madressahs and mullahs and stopping all our fun, Saudi has decided to lift ban on drinking. Now we are the only country that will be left to uphold the ban. Us and the Talibans. Dekho zara. Published in Dawn, EOS, June 1st, 2025