The Chat: Not Kourtney Participants: All the Kardashians except Kourtney. The topic: As revealed by Kim Kardashian in 2023, a group chat called “Not Kourtney,” containing Kardashians, Karfriends, and other Karassociates, but definitely, absolutely, not Kourtney, exists to hash out “why you’re such a different person and why you have this vendetta.” At the time, that vendetta was whether Kourtney or Kim had more of a claim on wearing Dolce & Gabbana; surely the rich-people head-scratchers of “problems” have continued. The Chat: Tree Paine and Herself Participants: Tree Paine, and Tree Paine only The topic: A glance at Taylor Swift’s infamously and terrifyingly competent publicist’s Notes archives, or wherever she keeps her compiled to-do lists, reminders, and assorted thoughts. (Accidentally add an editor in chief to her top-secret plans? Tree would never.) The Chat: Not the Boss of Me Participants: Kennedy Center Board of Trustees, past and present, plus friends The topic: The art will not be MAGA-fied! Watch as Ben Folds helps Lin-Manuel Miranda workshop lyrics to a diss rap, complete with lamentation that nothing, nothing at all, rhymes with “orange.” The Chat: Look At You, Nominated for an Oscar! Participants: Gwyneth Paltrow, Demi Moore, Sara Foster, Jennifer Meyer, assorted associates The topic: In Vanity Fair’s April 2025 cover story, Paltrow revealed that her phone was a-buzz, thanks to Moore’s Oscar nomination for The Substance that very morning. “It’s so fucking rad what’s happening,” Paltrow said. What we’d call rad is the opportunity to witness GOOP in the wild, skincare tips, theories, and all. Do you think she sends pictures of that little lizard out the window? We hope so. The Chat: 👨‍⚖️👨‍⚖️👨‍⚖️ The participants: The Supreme Court Justices The topic: This one has a single message to date: Sonia Sotomayor’s all-lowercase, no-punctuation “did u get this.” Nobody confirmed whether they did, in fact, get this, but the group has begun mailing letters. The discourse is not swift, nor is the handwriting legible. We would lurk in the group chat just in case someone taught Clarence Thomas how to send GIFs, because wow, wouldn’t that be something. The Chat: The Monterey 5 (and Meryl) Participants: Laura Dern, Shailene Woodley, Zoe Kravitz, Nicole Kidman, Reese Witherspoon, and Meryl Streep The topic: This one is real! The Big Little Lies co-stars had a lively group discourse of the Monterey 5 (and Streep), where Dern revealed that Streep “inspires us to be better people” and Dern mostly asked about snacks, leading to Kidman “changed my life” by turning her onto apples sprinkled with cinnamon. Yes, please. The Chat: The Tortured Man Club Participants: Joe Alwyn, Paul Mescal, and Andrew Scott The topic: The most recent message is likely from Scott and along the lines of “sorrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzzzzz lol.” Joe Alwyn exited this group. The Chat: Updates Participants: Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, and Jon Hamm The topic: No jokes. Only discussion of which vitamin supplements are actually worth it, cool life hacks they found online, and an extremely high-stakes Fantasy Golf league all three take part in. They are very concerned about Tiger Woods, for reasons ACL-related and otherwise. This really could ruin the (PGA) tour. The Chat: Not Paid Enough For This Shit Participants: Justin Baldoni and Blake Lively’s PR teams The topic: I–. Honestly, we can’t even begin to guess. The Chat: Bunker Group A Participants: Elon Musk and his children The topic: You just know Lil X has something to say, and his own smartphone with which to say it. Vivian Wilson is, of course, the undisputed group chat MVP, after all attempts by Musk to block her fail. The Chat: Trouble in Paradise Participants: The White Lotus PAs The topic: Whodunnit? Why? And who the hell took my caftan? Mike White, we demand answers. And, sorry, couldn’t pull a JG-style silence on this one. I’m making my presence known, and I’m asking questions.