My husband and I got divorced six months ago and I have been fully embracing my new single era. I’m 40 but I’ve downloaded all the dating apps, I’ve been going on multiple dates a week, and I’ve even been going to bars and clubs – something I haven’t done since I was in college! Despite loving this new phase of my life, I have run into some problems with my girl friends. I have a six-year-old daughter and have always been a stay-at-home mom. When my daughter started Kindergarten I became close friends with a group of fellow moms. We would drop the kids off at school and then get brunch, do Pilates, shop, or walk our dogs around the neighborhood. We also started a book club together and scheduled a ‘girls night’ each week. However, after my husband and I separated, I noticed a shift in the group dynamic. The girls became noticeably cold with me. Shortly after the divorce was finalized, I realized I wasn’t getting any texts in the mom’s group chat, and then it dawned on me – I had been kicked out! I continued to see the other moms post pictures of girls’ night or book club on their social media, but I was no longer invited. So, I decided to reach out to my closest friend in the group. We got coffee together and I asked her what I had done to deserve this isolation. Her answer was shocking: she told me the other moms don’t like the person I have become since my divorce. They think my morals and values don’t align with theirs because I like to go out and drink on weeknights. She also told me they are worried that, now I’m single, I am a threat to their marriages – especially, she says, given my ‘new provocative style’. I’m hurt by the group’s harsh judgment, and I hate that women can be so bitchy… But I also feel like there has been a misunderstanding, and I do want to stay friends with these women as they are the mothers of my daughter’s friends. How can I win these ladies back and prove to them that I’m not a party animal who is trying to steal their husbands? Divorced Diva Dear Divorced Diva, It hurts my heart to know that you want to win these women back when they have treated you so badly! Your desire to be friends with such awful ladies tells me just how little you value yourself. If you are willing to pursue friendships with women who belittle and judge you so harshly, then you will allow the same mistreatment in your romantic relationships. As a newly single woman, you must improve your self-worth before getting in too deep with a partner. This may be hard for you to take in, but I want you to read my next sentence very carefully: choose the people who choose you. Do not choose people that do not value you enough to treat you with kindness and respect. Do not choose people who throw you the odd breadcrumb to keep you interested. And do not choose people because you think they have high social status, or just because they are the mothers of your children’s friends. Choose people who have the right values — people who understand that they are lucky to be in your life. Please do not try and win these women back. They are not your friends. They are merely acquaintances who were once friendly, but have now shown their insecurity. Trust me on this — there is nothing as toxic as an insecure woman. The fact that the moms childishly gave you the silent treatment instead of maturely sitting you down and expressing their concerns about your new lifestyle shows me exactly who they are. I am (gratefully) now the mother of adult children, but I remember the days when these kind of mom groups formed and, honestly, they absolutely terrified me. Not least because these groups always seemed to blow up. Either one mother drank too much, or their eldest son was a stoner, or someone had an affair with another mom’s husband. There was always drama, and bitching, and gossiping. My children didn’t suffer from my opting out of these moms’ groups. If anything, my staying out of a larger parents’ social circle meant my involvement in my children’s lives was less – which allowed them to become more independent and self-sufficient. As a stay-at-home mom, I want to encourage you to find something to do that does not revolve around your daughter. Something that engages your brain and keeps it busy — whether that is a job, a hobby, or charity work. Find stuff to focus on other than small-time drama and gossip. Mostly though, I want you to build your self-worth. Find a therapist. Do the very hard work of understanding why you pursue people who do not value you. That is the best gift you can give yourself, and your daughter. Let me start out by saying I love my husband very much, but recently he’s been driving me nuts. He turned 70 a few months ago and retired, so he’s been spending all his time at home. I retired 15 years ago to help look after our grandchildren, which was a great privilege, but as they got older and became more independent I built a life for myself with a lovely group of six friends. We go for lunches and walks at least twice a week and always have a wonderful time. However, now that my husband is home, he doesn’t like me seeing these ladies and wants me to spend all my time with him. I have encouraged him to spend time with his friends but he refuses. I try to make time for him, but he says it’s not enough. When I return from a walk or a lunch he will comment on how long I’ve been out and even sulks about it. His demands for sex are also wearisome. When he was busy with his work he would leave at 6.30am and not be home until dinner time. We would have sex two or three times a month and it was enough. Now it’s four or five times a week which I find too much. I used to go to bed early and enjoy reading for an hour before sleep which is impossible now as he follows me up the stairs within a few minutes. I have tried talking to him but he will not discuss anything and thinks I should be around all the time. I am starting to become deeply unhappy with the situation. What can I do? Wearied Wife Dear Wearied Wife, Four or five times a week? Forgive me, but I am slightly stuck on a 70-year-old man having the kind of libido that requires so much sex. I’m exhausted on your behalf. There is lots in your letter that raises concern, and not least that your husband is acting like an overgrown little boy. He expects you to babysit him like a mother hen and demands sex whenever he wants it. I think you deserve a medal for all that you’re putting up with. What concerns me most, thought, is his lack of willingness to talk about any of this. You should not have to upend your life and cancel seeing friends just because he wants you to! Nor should you have to have sex just because he’s in the mood. We are no longer living in the 1950s, when wives were expected to obey their husbands without question. Of course, you can’t just leave him because of his recent behavior, but you do have to find a way of getting through to him. It is normal for married couples to get stuck in certain communication patterns. It is one of the main reasons it can be hard to get your partner to truly listen to you after so many years. In my former marriage, I tried to be heard… and ultimately gave up. I withdrew from the relationship because it was so exhausting to be with someone who simply refused to hear what I was saying. Eventually, I had no choice but to leave. So I say this from experience: You need to find a marriage counselor you can go to together. It is the only way your husband will be forced to hear you out. I suspect, given how you have described him, he will not want to go — but if he knows you are on the verge of leaving him, I am hopeful he will agree. The situation you are in is not sustainable. Either your husband will work with you to find a solution that doesn’t revolve entirely around his big baby needs, or you will reach your breaking point and walk away.