Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, A few weeks ago, my mother-in-law, “Flora,” came to stay with me, my husband, “Phil,” and our 2-year-old twins for several days. A week after Flora returned home, I received an irate phone call from her saying she had tested positive for gonorrhea and that she was certain she had picked it up from using the toilet seat in our bathroom. She claimed that I must be the source of it because I was supposedly cheating on her son and had left germs on the toilet seat that she had then picked up (my MIL has never been particularly fond of me and this is not the first time she’s made an accusation of infidelity on my part; I’ve learned not to take the bait). I work in health care, so I am aware that gonorrhea is primarily transmitted via intimate sexual contact, not casual contact such as kissing, hugging, shaking hands, or using a toilet seat, and explained as much to my MIL. Flora is divorced from my husband’s father and is active on the dating scene, so I also recommended that she inform all of the partners she has had within the last year of her diagnosis so they can get tested. She didn’t want to hear any of it and turned to hurling insults, so I ended the call. When I spoke to my husband about it, he suggested that we have our entire family tested so we would have that to fall back on the next time she leveled accusations at us. We got tested, which, of course, all came back negative. I had my husband stand next to me, put the phone on speaker, and called Flora to let her know. She accused me of “doctoring” the results through my job and doubled down on her insistence that I must have been the source of her infection and began berating me. Phil then took the phone and informed his mother that we would be taking a break from her for a while until she was ready to behave reasonably and respectfully and hung up. He said we tried our best, but that when his mother decides something is true, in her mind, it’s true no matter what evidence to the contrary comes to light. Unfortunately, the real trouble was about to begin. A couple of days later, Phil’s sister called saying she had received a call from her mother claiming that I had given her gonorrhea. Luckily, my sister-in-law is all too familiar with her mother’s erratic behavior and understood after I explained what had transpired. The trouble is that according to my SIL, Flora has apparently been going around telling all the relatives on my husband’s side of the family that I somehow gave her an STI! Now we are going to have to correct the record with everyone! Many of Phil’s relatives are reasonable, but more than a few are not. Furthermore, since I am in the medical field, I am deeply concerned that her lies may adversely affect my career. What can I do to get a handle on this and minimize the damage? —Furious Over False Accusations Dear Furious, Two can play this game. If your mother-in-law is contacting everyone out of the blue mudslinging you, then you might as well do what you can to preempt her. Your husband can write a group email of his own, explaining your MIL’s lies. He can give his mom a courtesy head’s up, and he doesn’t need to send it to every third cousin in the Rolodex, but an email to those he’s closest to, where he doesn’t want the drama to infiltrate. Whether an email is sent or not, hopefully the sensible family members will know to disregard the gossip they hear, but taking action may help you both feel more in control of the narrative. Anyone who doesn’t believe you probably wasn’t ever going to, anyway. In terms of any fallout coming your way, I would consult an employment lawyer to see if you’re at any risk. I doubt you do, but I’m not a legal professional. They may advise you to tell your employer’s human resources department about these potential allegations about “using your job to doctor results” so that if Flora were to contact your employer, you’ve already established a report. Most importantly, though, think long and hard about this relationship and whether you need to establish new boundaries with Flora. I appreciate that she is your kids’ grandmother, but you don’t deserve to be insulted like this—especially in your own home. It might be time to take a prolonged (several months) break from Flora, with clear agreements and expectations for when you reestablish contact. Dear Care and Feeding, My ex-wife and I have a 10-year-old daughter, “Delilah,” and an 8-year-old son, “Danny.” Since we divorced four years ago, we’ve shared 50/50 custody. Last year, Delilah qualified for the travel soccer team. I was a bit hesitant—the traveling would entail five weekends at places that would require at least one overnight stay, and one would even require a plane ride (there were more weekends than that, but the other locations wouldn’t require staying over). The league Delilah already played in was perfectly fine, but a couple of Delilah’s teammates she was close with signed up for the travel team, and Delilah really wanted to do it, so I agreed. I did not enjoy the experience at all. For one, if one of the travel weekends fell on my weekend, it meant I had to shell out for the hotels, which really added up. My ex would offer to do the traveling if it fell on my weekend, which worked out once when we could switch weekends, but other times it didn’t, and I wasn’t going to give up my time. More importantly, the second issue is that Danny was miserable. He was being dragged along on these trips because not bringing him would mean my ex or I would lose that time with him, but I completely understand his unhappiness—there was nothing for him to do while most of the weekend was devoted to Delilah’s soccer game. I talked about this with my ex after the season, and she said we’ll revisit it. Last week, we got together to discuss upcoming events/activities, and the soccer team came up. My ex said Delilah really wanted to do it again. I reiterated my issue with it. My ex started guilt-tripping me and said she would pay for the hotels if the games fell on my weekends. I said that wasn’t even the main problem—that this wasn’t fair to Danny. She came back at me that it wasn’t fair to Delilah to deprive her of something she really wanted to do and could open up opportunities for her in the future, that it’s only a few weekends and Danny can live with it, and that we’ll let him pick activities for other weekends. I’m so torn now. Either choice is going to make one of my kids resentful. Please help me with how I should approach this decision. —Does the Gang Go to Soccer? Dear Soccer, Travel sports can be really great experiences for kids, but they also wreak havoc on a family’s schedule. When you’re co-parenting with an ex, and thus have less time with your kids than you otherwise would, it’s no wonder that this activity is causing you some distress. I don’t subscribe to the belief that parents should always sacrifice their personal interests on the altar of their children’s priorities, but I do think it’s important to foster their interests to the extent that you reasonably can. Although at first glance this situation seems like a jumbled-up puzzle, I think there is a way to balance everyone’s interests so that everyone is a little inconvenienced but no one is left high and dry. I suggest you and your ex sit down with your calendars and see which away games fall on whose weekends. Balance the travel between you two so that it is equitable. See which away games are on your weekends and on your ex’s—balance the travel between you so that it’s equitable. Then, figure out a way for Danny to only attend half of them. That might mean there are weekends when both you and your ex have time with one kid and not the other. While that might not be what you both want, it’s in your kids’ interests to be flexible about whose “turn” it is during the travel season. A sample schedule might look something like this: Game A (your weekend): You travel with both kidsGame B (ex’s weekend): She travels with Delilah, you stay home with DannyGame C (ex’s weekend): She travels with both kidsGame D (your weekend): You travel with Delilah, she stays home with DannyGame E (ex’s weekend): She travels with Delilah, you stay home with Danny In this example, Danny only has to go out of town two times, which is much less annoying for him—it’s hard to be the little sibling at the mercy of someone else’s plans, after all. Plus you save on hotels and hassle, and nobody has to be fully absent from the kids. If either kid is sad to miss out on their typical time with a parent, you can find ways to build in some one-on-one time later in the week. I don’t know how amiable your co-parenting relationship is, but it seems to me that there is a way to let Delilah pursue travel soccer with her friends while not forcing Danny into hours of driving and stadium-sitting. It just requires you and your ex to work creatively with each other. I hope you can make it work! Send Your Questions to Good Job! Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to help you navigate your social dynamics at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here! Dear Care and Feeding, My twins, Caleb and Cassidy, are in separate kindergarten classes, but both classes go out to recess together. Caleb recently told me that he wishes that he could sometimes play with his friends without Cassidy. It didn’t sound like he was opposed to playing with Cassidy entirely, so I suggested a compromise where they could plan to play together at their first recess of the day, but plan to play separately at their second recess. Caleb seemed happy with this idea, but Cassidy got upset and said that she didn’t have anyone else to play with. I’m sure that she feels this way, but I don’t think it’s really true. At school pickup, I see her classmates trying to interact with her, and she ignores them unless I point out that someone is trying to talk to her. She’s often oblivious to the people around her in general, so it’s hard for me to tell if she’s ignoring these kids on purpose or if she legitimately doesn’t realize what’s happening. As I’m writing this, I realize that I actually have two problems. The first is, how can I get Cassidy to give Caleb some space at school when I’m not there to intervene? Cassidy has a stronger will than Caleb by a long shot, so he’s not going to put up a fight if she demands to play with him and his friends. On the other hand, it would be too much to ask the recess aides at school to stop them from playing together. My second, related problem is that I don’t know how to motivate Cassidy to make friends with children who didn’t come out of my uterus. This is the first time she and Caleb have been apart on a regular basis, and even on the rare occasion that they weren’t together, my older sons were usually around for her to play with. I get why it’s more comfortable for her to stick with her brothers, but Caleb deserves to have his own friends, and so does Cassidy even if she doesn’t know it yet. —Needing Space Dear Space, While I agree you have two issues, I think they’re intimately connected, and the solution is getting Cassidy set up for success with her peers by arranging some independent playdates for each of your kids. That means Caleb goes to one play date while Cassidy goes to another—not in the same house. That gives Cassidy some dedicated time to play with other children, where the burden is not on her to initiate play (like it would be at recess). Plus, they’ll give Caleb some play time with just his friends, which he’s craving. If Cassidy can’t identify any kids that she wants to have a play date with, pick the kids whose parents you seem to vibe with at PTA meetings or morning drop-off. Or you can ask the teacher for some match-making advice. (On that note, if you haven’t shared Cassidy’s struggles with the teacher, there’s no time like the present. She might have some tricks to deploy in the classroom or ideas to suggest to you—she’s likely seen plenty of kids struggle to make friends before.) Meanwhile, have Caleb practice kindly saying no with you. The more he practices, the easier it might become for him to turn Cassidy down. I love that he is being a kind brother and letting her play, but he deserves some space when he wants it. Hopefully, these playdates will help Cassidy learn to depend on him less, making his no’s easier for her to receive. More Advice From Slate My brother, “Steve,” is a very practical man. He’s a good father but he’s not very sentimental and I would never expect him to do things like Elf on the Shelf hijinks or sprinkling fairy dust when the tooth fairy comes. However, I wasn’t prepared for just how practical he is and how it would affect my own parenting. He has the oldest child in our family, 9-year-old “Levi.” My oldest is 6. We saw Levi a few months ago after he’d just lost a tooth. I asked him if the tooth fairy came and he told me that his dad says no fairies or any other magical creatures are allowed in the house…