It's Hump Day! Let's compare mornings. I started mine with a coffee maker that went to hell, and by essentially leading a neighborhood-wide manhunt for a stray cat that spent the night on my front porch. True story. I hate cats. I hate waking up at 6 a.m. to my fourth broken coffee pot in nine years. It's all a sham, by the way. But first, the cat. This stupid stray cat just goes from house to house, yard to yard, in our neighborhood, and has for years. Some folks feed it, I think. I learned my lesson with that years ago. Don't ever do it. Worst decision I ever made. Anyway, about a week ago, this cat somehow got a bucket stuck on it's head. It looks like something out of Chernobyl now, just roaming our streets late at night. Horrifying. Everyone has been trying to catch this little dummy for a week now, to no avail. I don't care. I've been at the Daytona 500. Not my problem. Until, of course, I walk outside this morning and see it sleeping on our rocking chair. I knew it was going to be a thing, and it was. The First Lady got Animal Control on the horn. Neighbor Jim across the street put on his battlesuit and got his net and looked like he was enlisting in the Army. It was go-time for everyone. I was told I couldn't leave the house to run to Dunks because it would startle it. Love that. Awesome. Anyway, Animal Control got here right as the cat jumped up to leave, and – of course – they couldn't catch him. He's still on the loose. I think we're closing in on putting up Wanted signs all over the neighborhood. I lived in Boston while the city shut down in 2013 looking for the Boston Bomber. This makes that look like kid's play. Stay tuned! Welcome to a Hump Day Nightcaps – the one where we address golf's biggest issue with Paige Spiranac and go from there. What else? I've got an insane TOE-SUCKER on the loose in Daytona – along with the stupid cat! – Gracie Hunt unwinds from a tough Super Bowl loss, AND Elon perfectly describes how batshit crazy the Libs are. Hard to do, but I think he nailed it. What a wordsmith. OK, grab you a pot of coffee – must be nice! – and settle in for a Hump Day 'Cap! Elon and Trump had a big 'ol night with Sean I ranted about the dumb cat earlier. Now, I need to address the coffee pot crisis in this country for just a minute. It's ridiculous. I am convinced they make coffee pots the same way they do iPhones – with a shelf life. A hard shelf life. Once they reach a certain age, they die. No matter how you treat them, they're just donezo. Kaput. Finished. My grandma has had the same exact coffee maker for 40 years, give or take. Forty years. She's had the same once since the Reagan administration, and it still just … works. Just works like normal. Been pumping out Folgers for decades now, no problem. I have been through four – FOUR! – coffee makers since I got married in 2016. And they all just randomly stop working. No rhyme or reason to it. One morning, they pump out one last pot, and that's it. No more. I've been through 'em all, too. Mr. Coffee. Ninja. Cuisinart. Braun. I think I had a Black & Decker at one point, inexplicably. And they've all gone to shit. Enough is enough. Forget the opiod crisis. Forget the illegals flooding our border (not anymore!). Forget the planes falling outta the sky (ain't touching that one, by the way. I believe in Karma). I need Elon and DOGE to make the coffee maker crisis a top priority in this country, and I need it done STAT. Speaking of … The wokes are after Friends Yeah, I mean, look – Elon is a weird dude. I think he's fine with me saying that. He knows it. He admits it. That being said, he's spot on here. Frankly, he and Trump are essentially the same person. The Libs used to LOVE Trump before he ran for president. Loved him. Whoopi loved him. Ellen loved him. Oprah loved him. Hell, he was at Hillary and Bill's WEDDING! Crooked Hillary! But the second, and I mean the SECOND, he became a serious contender for the presidency – as a Republican – back in 2016, they started to despise him. Vile creatures. And that's exactly what's happened to Elon Musk here. It's happening to Joe Rogan, too. Hell, look at Bernie Sanders. He just voted AGAINST Tulsi last week after loving her to death seven years ago when she was a Democrat. It's all nonsense. That side is so full of crap I don't know how they walk straight. I don't even know what that means, but you get it. Anyway, let's keep the Wacko Dem ball rolling, shall we: Paige Spiranac, Toes in 'Tony & the NFL WAGs are resting up So, that story is technically a few months old, but it resurfaced today on the interwebs for reasons unknown. I have no idea why things go viral on the internet. I just report on them. Here's an actual quote from this insufferable Goldberg fella, courtesy of Deadline: "In terms of diversity, looking back, it seems insane," Goldberg said. "I’ve heard black people speak about this and it’s like, you never expected to see yourself, so when you didn’t, it was not a surprise, and you ended up identifying to characters, irrespective of their race. It was just the norm that there was such a lack of diversity." No, you haven't. That's a lie. It's bullshit. I promise you, not one black person has ever come up to Adam Goldberg and complained about the lack of diversity on Friends. Never happened. When I talk about virtue-signaling, this is what I mean. Right here. Nobody has ever watched Friends and thought, ‘Man, Chandler is funny but where are all the black people?’ You know what we think? ‘Man, there are some smokes on this show. And Chandler’s pretty funny, too. And also, how the hell did Ross keep banging Rachel?' That's it. I promise. Piss off, Adam. How's my coffee-less patience today? Good? Good! Rapid-fire time! First up? Pageviews fixes another pet-peeve of mine: She is so spot-on right here, and I'm not just sucking up to her because she's hot. I have been saying this for years now. Maybe it's because I'm an average-at-best golfer who inevitably implodes after the turn? Maybe it's because I'm tanked by the 10th tee? Whatever the reason, Paige Spiranac nails it. 6-6-6. I've always said 18 is too much. Twelve is the perfect number. If you're playing great after 12, keep going. If not, head to the clubhouse and start putting as many Miller Lites as possible on your dad's country club ID number. Win-win. Perfectly said, Paige. Thank you. Next? Let's check in with the Daytona 500 one last time before heading to Atlanta this weekend: Amazing. I said it all weekend – I LOVED the energy at the track this year. The vibe was top-notch. You all showed out, and I noticed it from Day 1. By the way, we call that ‘Tuesday’ here in Florida. Doesn't even register on the weirdness chart down here. Hell, that's one of the least-weird things I saw last weekend. God, I love this country. Finally, on the way out, let's hit the beach with Gracie Hunt and decompress from a tough Chiefs Super Bowl loss. Love the attitude here from Gracie. She's taking the loss in stride and handling it with grace and aplomb. Absolute veteran of the game. She'll be back stronger than ever. Now, I have to run. I didn't intend to end today's class here, but – I kid you not – Animal Control is at my door and asking to set up a TRAP for the cat. How I became the point person on this, I have no idea. But I'm excited about it. See you tomorrow. OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots). Am I an idiot with my coffee maker(s)? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.