34 min “I’m in a social club in deepest Northumberland. It has eight TVs and every single one is tuned to the vital Premier League match that is Newcastle v Palace,” says Nick Parish. “I’ve considered asking if just one could be turned over to the Arsenal, but one soft southerner against a couple of dozen passionate Geordies seems bad odds. At least I’ve got you to keep me company. No pistachios here though, sadly.” Have you looked down the back of the sofa?