Action-thriller heist/car-chase comedy Eenie Meanie (now streaming on Hulu) squeals all four of its tires down Throwback Road. First-time film director Shawn Simmons (creator of cult-fave TV series Wayne and co-creator of John Wick spinoff The Continental) has his eyes and ears firmly tuned to the 1990s with this colorful post-Tarantino caper starring Samara Weaving and Karl Glusman, alongside a modestly large spate of notable small-to-bit-part character actors. Those of us who remember the avalanche of Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction would-be acolytes flooding the multiplexes and Blockbuster shelves might roll our eyes at the thought of enduring even more irony – our cup runneth’d over for many years – but sometimes, watching crimes play out in a snarky manner does pay. Now let’s see where this one lands. EENIE MEANIE: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT? The Gist: Edie Meaney (Weaving) is a wannabe-do-well who used to rob banks, but now works at one. Funny how that happens. She grew up in Cleveland, the daughter of felons, and her father (Steve Zahn) taught her how to DRIVE, all caps necessary. And so, after her parents were out of the picture, she became a troubled foster kid – and a crack getaway driver for organized-crime boss Nico (Andy Garcia), who nicknamed her Eenie Meanie. She never got caught, so with no criminal record in the database to tattle on her, she’s a straight-and-narrow bank teller now, still dwelling in good ol’ Cleveland. Of course, that means she’s on the other end of the gun when a couple of skimasked guys bust in and rob her place of employment – and pistolwhip her into the hospital, where she shakes it off and learns she’s pregnant. Rough day. Who’s the baby-daddy? We’re getting there. She’s on the bus to community college for her econ lecture when she skips the stop and instead goes to see John (Glusman), her on-again/off-again never-forever-whatever boyfriend, who just so happens to be getting roughed up by some heavies. And as ‘Frost Hammer’ by High on Fire plays (I approve of this needle drop), Edie hesitates, then hammers the bad guys, allowing John’s escape, which of course contrives to put them in a vintage ’80s Monte Carlo (actually it might be a Regal) so Edie can show off her exquisite wheelwoman skills. Remember that hesitation, though? It meant something, namely, that she isn’t sure whether she should love or hate John with every fiber of her being. She calls him “the f—in’ Hiroshima and 9/11 of f—in’ human beings,” and you don’t just say that to anyone. Relationships are complicated, and despite John looking and acting and probably smelling the part of an oily weasel, Edie deems him worthy of helping. What with this, that and another thing, Nico gives them a job: Steal $3 million from a casino. And this not being a Steven Soderbergh movie, but rather a car-chase movie, the big bale of cash is in the trunk of a late-model sports car, so shocker, Edie will have to make a getaway right through all the slot jockeys and poker perps. Prep for the gig requires her to acquire a 1970-something Barracuda (I don’t think it’s a Challenger?), a development I didn’t quite understand but won’t quibble with, since it’s more fun than an ’02 Neon. Or a wimp-o electric car, which is the butt of a big joke here, because Eenie Meanie is a movie with a carburetor, not a charging port. What Movies Will It Remind You Of?: You said Andy Garcia’s in this? Call it Things to Do in Cleveland When You’re Dead then. Otherwise, Eenie Meanie drafts on Baby Driver, which worshipped at the hem of The Driver and Vanishing Point. And some of the plot stuff feels reminiscent of two recent films, Night Always Comes (woman tries to reform herself, is pulled back into her dark former life) and The Bad Guys 2 (reformed crook tries to get a job at a bank they robbed). Performance Worth Watching: One of these days, Weaving deserves to get a Vanessa Kirby role instead of all these B-movies. But she’s got presence reminiscent of Eva Green, who can chew scenery with campiness or sincerity, as necessary. Memorable Dialogue: Edie hops in a car and assesses the situation: “Backwards it is.” Sex and Skin: Glusman’s desperate, nude buttocks. Our Take: Eenie Meanie is one of those movies that feels like a pastiche of far too many of its influences. It’s glossy and stylish, and derivative and – warning, pun incoming – tiresome. Sometimes it’s fun, and the stunts admirably lean on practical effects, but unlike, say, the technical innovations of the otherwise narratively formulaic F1, that’s not enough to smooth out the bumpy road that is Simmons’ screenplay. The first and third acts boast car chases as centerpieces – you gotta hook us and you gotta deliver a payoff – and for the most part are heavy with the wiseass dialogue and cynicism plucked from the post-Tarantino Era of Irony. As for the second act? You have to admire Simmons’ attempt at building and exploring character, but the earnest tones are off-key. The issue is the core relationship between Edie and John, a romance that lacks the chemical fizz it needs to spark to life. He’s definitely on the wrong side of sociopathy, and she’s pulled in disparate emotional directions, and it’s the type of love story that might do well to lean into dark comedy instead of the tragic melodrama Simmons aims for. And when we’re bored by the film’s sincerity, we realize a goodly chunk of screen time has passed without an action sequence, the likes of which are the film’s relative strengths. Note that “character” is different from “Characters,” capitalization again necessary, colorful and quippy types who turn up frequently, played by Zahn, Garcia, Marshawn Lynch, Jermaine Fowler and Randall Park. These Characters are very overtly Written entities popular in films that think they’re clever when they’re actually contrived. Tarantino succeeded through the superficialities of the form by making his films about very little save for the form itself; they were structural innovation as theme. Eenie Meanie very much feels like a directorial debut, Simmons cramming all his ideas into one project, perhaps driven by the all-too-realistic concern that the second one may never come. He tries to do and have it all, but it’s too many tones spread too thin. Simplify, simplify. Our Call: Eenie Meanie miney no. SKIP IT. John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan.