Is submission in marriage the same as suppression? Let us review this. Anytime you want to witness an unending argument between men and women, just raise the issue of “submission” mentioned in Ephesians 5:22. The word is interpreted by many people as “female subjugation”. But the moment couples stop seeing submission as suppression, then they can start building happier marriages. Here is what is written in that Bible passage: 21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. (Ephesians 5: 21-26 – (New International Version) But note that many men usually conveniently omit what is written in verse 21, which says: “Submit to one another…” Some Bible versions use “respect” in place of “submit”. No marriage will be happy if the man does not regularly submit to his wife and vice versa. Similarly, no marriage will be happy if the woman does not consistently love her husband and vice versa. The duty of a married person is to ensure that the spouse is happy. Many women argue: “If a man loves his wife totally like Christ loved the world and gave his life for it, the wife will naturally submit to him.” Conversely, many men argue: “If a woman submits completely to her husband, the man will naturally love her totally.” Both arguments are false. And here is the reason. A man can love a woman even with his life and she will have little regard for him and be more interested in a ne’er-do-well. Similarly, a woman may be totally submissive to her husband, forgo all her life dreams and desires just to please the man, but the man will still not have much interest in her but be more interested in another woman somewhere who “shows him pepper.” Anytime you hear a woman say: “My husband must first love me passionately before I can submit to him,” or you hear a man say: “My wife must first submit to me before I can love her passionately,” please know that such people are not concerned about having a happy marriage. If you are looking for a spouse, please avoid such people. They should be avoided because their lives are hinged on tit-for-tat: “If you send me a love note, I will respond with a love note; if you tell me you love me, I will tell you I love you; if you don’t talk to me; I won’t talk to you; and if you curse me, I will curse you back and add some extra for good measure.” Such people come to marriage with the contentious mindset which is antithetical to happiness. Those who want to have a happy marriage don’t sit down waiting for someone to love or submit first before responding. Love and submission flow naturally and mutually. The moment they accept one another; they start building the marriage automatically and naturally. They don’t wait to see who is doing the loving and who is doing the submitting. The man will submit to the wife naturally without thinking about it. The wife will love the husband without thinking about it. And vice versa. What does it mean to submit to the other person? A man dresses up to leave and the wife says: “Darling, I don’t like that tie. It makes you look unserious.” Meanwhile, this is the tie everyone in the office said was beautiful. But is the man married to “everyone in the office” or the wife? Does he dress to please his office people or his wife? The man pulls the tie off and asks her to choose the one she prefers. He leaves the home wearing the tie the wife prefers. Did the man submit to his wife or not? Is a man meant to submit to his wife? Will the wife feel happier with her husband afterwards and see herself as the most important person in his life? Imagine if the woman bought a new dress and wants to leave the home in it and the man says: “Darling, this dress does not bring out your beauty and shape. It makes you look unserious.” Then the woman gets angry and tells the husband that this is what is in vogue. She insists that she will leave the home in it because she understands fashion better than her husband. The man keeps quiet, and she leaves in that dress. Is she married to fashionistas outside the house or to her husband? Does she dress to please those outside or her husband? Did she submit to her husband? Did she show her husband that he is valuable or important in her life? No. If this trend continues in their relationship, the man will get the message that his opinion does not matter on issues concerning his wife. What do you think will happen to that marriage going forward? There is absolutely no way you would expect such a man to see his wife as the number one person in his life since he is not the number one person in her life. The next time he wants to do something, and the wife offers an opinion, he either tells her that her opinion is not needed or ignores her and goes ahead with whatever he wants to do. That is the beginning of a bland marriage or a failed marriage. Most marriages are not destroyed by big things but by little acts that are repeated over time. If a man has the belief that he makes the money and should make the decisions in “his house” and does not need to discuss anything with the wife before doing it, because he is the man who should not submit to a woman, he is simply digging the grave in which his marriage will be buried. His relationship with his wife will be mechanical: “Take this money. Give me drinking water. Why didn’t you wash my clothes today? Never in your life argue with me again! Don’t you know you are a woman? Did I marry you or did you marry me?” The woman in such a situation may choose to be “submissive” to her husband. The man will supposedly “love” his wife by ensuring that she lacks nothing in life. There will be “peace” in that home. But surely there won’t be any happiness. The peace may last in the eyes of the public till death do them part, but both know that they don’t have a marriage. Now ask yourself: Did God not show love to Lucifer before Lucifer rebelled against Him? Is rebellion not a sign of lack of submission? Was there something God could have done for Lucifer to stop him from his action? It is doubtful. Yes, loving someone is a sure way of getting love back. But it is not totally guaranteed. Any marriage in which the man does not respect the wife and the wife does not respect the husband will not be a happy one. If only one of them respects the other but the other does not reciprocate, there may be peace in the graveyard in the marriage but not happiness. But if both of them do not respect each other, then their marriage will always be stormy and sour. It is not possible to regularly disrespect or ridicule your spouse directly or indirectly, through your words and actions, and assume that you can fast and pray happiness into your marriage. You can’t treat your spouse as an opponent (rather than a partner) and expect a happy home. If you are not ready to submit to your spouse by ensuring that it is not only what you want that is always done, then you will reap the type of marriage you planted. This is not negotiable. X: @BrandAzuka