I know I’m in a controlling relationship but I have no idea how to extricate myself from it (Picture: Getty Images) Rachel often thinks back to a time when she was at university and used to volunteer in a domestic abuse shelter. ‘I saw women who were bright, vibrant, and intelligent reduced to rubble by controlling men,’ she recalls. ‘Part of me always wondered how they could be so weak as to let it happen. Yet now every day I look in the mirror I know I’m in a controlling and coercive relationship and I have no idea how to extricate myself from it. It was just four weeks into their relationship, that Rachel – who is going by a pseudonym – and Guy* told each other they were in love. The couple had began dating after meeting in a bar and he was everything her ex wasn’t. ‘Capable, strong, masculine – the sex was incredible and he was warm, caring, sensitive and kind too,’ she tells Metro. ‘He was massively into me too, a huge bonus given the fact my ex hadn’t wanted me physically for years.’ It was a passionate, all-consuming relationship that had given Rachel a renewed zest for life – but within weeks Guy’s first red flag appeared. ‘He asked if he could see messages between me and my ex, who I share two children with. In so many ways his request seemed odd, but eventually I capitulated and sent him a selection of screen shots,’ she remembers. ‘I’d been away with our daughter and had texted her dad some pictures, but when he saw them, Guy told me it was inappropriate. We ended up having a huge argument with him saying that my ex was “in places he shouldn’t be in my head and heart”, and by omitting to tell Guy I’d been texting my daughter’s dad was as good as lying.’ Although shocked by his accusations, Rachel, who is in her early 40s, decided to keep it to herself because she couldn’t face the judgment from friends. She also knew that she felt uncomfortable sharing her phone with him, so told him she wouldn’t do it again. ‘It angered him but I stood firm,’ Rachel remembers. However a few weeks later, alone in his house, she spotted a folder on a shelf – it was the only one without a label. Intrigued, Rachel knew she should have respected his privacy, but couldn’t help but take a look. I confronted him when he got home (Picture: Getty Images) ‘In it was paperwork pertaining to an arrest for coercive control. It didn’t say what exactly but he’d destroyed property too,’ she says. ‘I confronted him with it when he got home and he admitted that he’d been charged but found not guilty. I told him that by omitting to tell me about it, it meant – using his rules – he’d lied, but he refused to accept my premise. It felt incredulous that he couldn’t see the irony.’ Looking back, Rachel says she knows she should have left him, but instead she spent hours trying to convince him of her side of the argument, something he flat out refused to see. Exhausted and in tears, she eventually went to bed alone. ‘I felt so misunderstood, it mattered to me so much he could see my side and yet the more he refused to, the more adamant I became that he should,’ she remembers. ‘I should have just left but I simply felt like I couldn’t until I was understood.’ The following week, Rachel decided to find out a bit more about Guy’s history, by requesting a background check through Clare’s Law, which lets applicants know if their partner has a history of abusive behaviour. ‘The police confirmed what I’d seen in the paperwork. He’d been found not guilty, but the marker of coercive control had stayed on his record. I drove out the police station in a daze.’ Rachel admits that the sensible part of her couldn’t understand how she could even contemplate staying with him after finding that out. ‘I knew I should have deleted and blocked him but I simply couldn’t. It was like there was an invisible string between us and I couldn’t even see it or find it to sever it,’ she recalls. ‘While I knew I should walk, the thought of him not being in my life suddenly became really scary.’ I knew I should have deleted and blocked him but I simply couldn’t (Picture: Getty Images) From the police station Rachel went to a friend’s house and confessed how she was feeling – after all, when it was good, it was incredible. ‘But I remember her laughing and saying ‘of course there’ll be good bits, how would he make you go along with the crap if it was all bad?’ I knew she was right but he can be incredibly kind, caring, generous, chivalrous and strong too which is really attractive to me,’ explains Rachel. That was around eight months ago, and despite her not wanting to give up on their relationship, Rachel says things have only got worse, not better. ‘He’s pushed me a couple of times and stood up once when I was on his lap and we were arguing. I banged my head on the floor when I fell and later that night as he was massaging my sore neck he called me a ‘mince bag’ and that I’d be rubbish at rugby. “I’m no angel though,’ Rachel insists. ‘On Christmas Eve he stood me up for two hours and I was so angry when we got back to his that I slapped him and pushed him. I’ve never, ever done that to anyone else and was so ashamed I asked him the next day if he wanted me to surrender myself to a police station. He said no but I apologised for days I felt so awful.’ Guy still keeps tabs on what she’s doing and who she’s speaking to. As well as wanting her phone, he’s asked for Rachel’s social media log ins and suggested she got a ring doorbell so he can see if her ex is coming and going from their home. ‘So far I’ve resisted,’ she says. I refuse to let him write his version of events where I’m the bad one all the time (Picture: Getty Images) He has even suggested that Rachel is gaslighting him. “He says I’m controlling but I don’t think I am, I simply refuse to let him write his version of events where I’m the bad one all the time,’ she explains. ‘He claims I interrupt him but when he’s retelling something that happened that’s wrong, I can’t sit quietly and pretend he’s right. But it’s to the extent that he’s really making me start to doubt myself. ‘He’s called me a narcissist for the last few months as well, saying I want to control everything and that I am manipulative. I ended up asking my cousin and my brother – two of the longest relationships in my life – if I could be, and they both laughed and said I’m not. But I’m now really worried I am and that the abuse I was so sure of is either all in my head or I’m the reason it’s happening.’ Rachel admits that she no longer tells some of her friends about what she’s going through because ‘they look at me like they’re ashamed of me or think I’m stupid.’ She adds: ‘I’ve got one friend who was in a similar relationship for seven years who is always there for me and doesn’t judge me but I even pick and choose what I tell her as I feel I’m a broken record. ‘It’s not like I haven’t tried to finish it either, I got close a few times and told him we were through but he got upset and cried. I hated being the one that made him upset – although I get the irony that he can sit and watch me cry without moving a muscle. I’ve got one friend who was in a similar relationship and is always there for me (Picture: Getty Images) ‘Physically we’re as compatible as ever – although he told me the other week I wasn’t great in bed and his ex was better. I guess I keep hoping if I can love him the right way – the way he needs it – all this will stop and the brilliant, warm and loving man I met and fell in love with will be all that’s left.’ For now, Rachel says she’s ‘given up’ on trying to leave their relationship. ‘It’s not like I’m in a domestic violence situation so I’ll let things play out,’ she explains. ‘Either I can love him enough that the negative goes or maybe one day I will become strong enough to walk away for good.’ *names have been changed to protect identities