NOT SO RELAXED The Ratliff family: Food is so important. Food is how you know you’ll never make it as a Buddhist. “The food didn’t taste organic, and it was bland,” says Piper, crying at how under-seasoned the vegetables were at the meditation centre. “How could I eat that for a whole year?” Food is how you communicate with your brother that you really don’t feel good about that threesome that happened a few days ago. “Can you make me a protein shake?” asks Lochy. “NO ONE IS GOING TO MAKE YOU INTO A MAN, YOU’VE GOT TO DO IT YOURSELF!!!” Saxon yells, waving his self-help book in the air. Lochy, confused at the sight of Saxon with a book in his hand, asks his brother if he’s mad. He only had relations with Saxon because he didn’t want him to feel left out! “I’m a people pleaser!” he argues. Saxon dissociates into self-help, possibly forever. Food is how you decide to (almost) poison your entire family with suicide-seed pina coladas. Timothy goes far enough that he should probably be in jail: Victoria, Saxon and Piper all wrinkle their noses and sip the stinky cocktails gingerly as Timothy shouts “CHUG, CHUG, CHUG!” only to change his mind a few seconds later and slap it out of Saxon’s hand. “Wow close call, that coconut milk is off, good night!” Timothy says, wiping his brow. Unfortunately, the next morning Lochy inexplicably decides he’s going to add some protein powder and water to leftover pina colada and blend it up real nice – something that no one in human history has ever done. His siblings walk past him convulsing on a cabana, and he dies long enough to see God, before waking up in his father’s arms.